I consider myself a pretty avid tree-hugger.

I know you guys go home and curse my name. That doesn't make me feel warm & fuzzy all over.

God, tell me why we don't have a Krispy Kreme here. Houston's a long way to drive to get a damn doughnut.

How many people, even for a brief period, were having a leisure experience?

I think I'm having a maple leaf moment.

Everybody has their quirks, and mine is my 14-year-old cat

I'm not saying every surfer smokes dope.

You know, this thing is frustrating, because the other day, I had my slides zappin' in, and they didn't zap.

Hyperghettoization is no fun.

Imagine--Adopt Your Own Ass

Tennessee furnished more Texans than any other state in the Union.

It's the kind of thing for a future horror, kill all the teenagers type of movie.

Think of your mucus membranes as a tropical rainforest.

Nothing is absolute, particularly in nature.

If you look around behind you, you won't see a post-anal tail.

Academic politics are quite nasty because there's not much to fight about.

Our creeks in Texas are mostly dry...unless it's raining.

Hitler gave Anti-Semitism a bad name. One of his few public services.

Have you ever heard the song 'Poke Salad Annie'? You're better off if you haven't. It's a terrible song.

x is irrational if and only if x is not rational.

An inbreeder doesn't mean getting together with your cousin.

You live in Treehouse Apartments...You're BBQing...You could be pushing up daisies.

You spend $80 to get out of the doghouse, and all you get are a bunch of dead angiosperms!!

Men are drunken louts.

You would've thought we were a mafia family.

If you're thinking you wanna become a binge drinker, wait until your late 20's or early 30's.

Don't write any of this down. I might be about to make a mistake.

The only federal regulation for passenger comfort is that a given percentage not barf during a flight.

Engineers are supposed to understand codes and math, not love.

you think this stuff doesn't make sense? try learning all the screwy things about this country

We have not gone back to the sexual morays of the 1950's--even with Ronald Reagan.

These trees are actually outlawed in some cities because of what could happen if you run into one of them. I mean, it's sad enought running into a tree, but to be impaled on one of these thorns...

Wear only pleated trousers! Abandon all spices!

The anthers are like males in general--they do their thing & then split.

Humans...we reach a certain point and we stop growing and we just get old.

There will always be such coefficients, except sometimes there won't be.

What you need to do when you get out of here is start a nursing home with Grateful Dead symbols on the outside...pipe in rock music. The market is there! You need to get into it!

You may think you've been attacked by a shark when really you've just been snacked upon.

You're eating a ripened, expanded ovary wall.

George Bush was given 2 choices, & each was worse than the other.

We know what sin(1/x) looks like. But what does xsin(1/x) look like? We squish the squigglies down. That's mathematical terminology.

We're all just fleas on top of the Tomato Soup scum.

We're trying to recreate Scotland in Texas. Who's getting fooled?

You, too, can join the onward and upward march toward scientific discovery! All this, of course, in capital letters.

You'd have to stick the flower up your nose & snort it.

It was a very sad event for me. Bit I was getting water in the basement, so there was a decision that had to be made there.

If you make a time machine, don't go back 500 million years without taking a spacesuit or some sunscreen or something.

I've had this beard since July 22, 1970, which is the day after I got out of the Army. And even if I wanted to shave it now, I can't. My wife has seen pictures of me without a beard and said she'd divorce me if I shave.

The Bureau of Reclamation finds that it has a problem--namely, World War II.

Plants are sloppy about sex.

As you can see, the extra payload capacity would add $7 million to the cost of the airplane. Is it really worth $7 million to carry an extra 100 pound weapon from here to Austin? ... Hmm, actually, it is. I need to use a better example.

I don't care if you believe in Darwin. I don't care if you believe in a 6-day creation or that evolution is a process God used to set things up, or that evolution proves that there is no God, or that the world is sitting on the back of a turtle, and that one is supported by another turtle and it's turtles all the way down. I just want you to learn about the Theory of Evolution

Have you ever noticed that profs wear really ugly ties. I noticed that yesterday in class.

During World War I, Europe had lost a lot of its agricultural sector. All their farmers were in trenches shooting at each other. They were not raising wheat.

I wouldn't piss on General Westmoreland if he was on fire.

You know, it's about as hard as opening a car door at 80mph... Don't look at me like you've never done that. Oh come on, live a little.

This ruins more family Christmas dinners than some of the dishes that Grandma insists on serving every year.

For those of you who are intimidated, don't worry. Scientific studies have shown that women putting on the same uniform as you doesn't decrease your sperm count.

There is no required text for this course. We couldn't find one expensive enough, so we decided not to have one.

If you touch your back, you'll notice that you can't touch your spinal cord. That'd be bad if you could.

I can binge drink a lot easier than y'all can.

I don't care what he calls me, 'cause in 6 months, he's gonna have to call me long distance.

There's nothing like getting splatted by a bird who's just eaten a bunch of mulberries.

Depends on whether you like toxicity or flavor.

Well, you see here, in an internal combustion engine, somewhere inside of it, something combusts.

If you throw safety out the window, all sorts of good things happen.

The Berlin Wall was built in 1961 to prevent people from fleeing from the Communist paradise.

You can imagine how mcuh you'd want to expand if you suddenly had 5000 pounds of pressure removed from you.

We're doomed! Doomed! Doomed! Well, maybe. We'll see what happens.

Just when everybody starts to get wild & crazy, the Federal Reserve comes in & takes the punch bowl away.